1983
was the year when music and boys, mostly one boy in particular made
an everlasting impact on a shy, freckled faced, red haired girl…
Me.
This
was my first church youth weekend away and although I was two months
from celebrating my 13th birthday, after pestering my leaders I got
permission to go.
Matthew
was 6 months older than I, was about twelve inches taller than me,
his hair was light mousey brown, styled in a typical 80′s guy
haircut; but not a full blown mullet thank goodness. Normally, he
wore his hair neatly styled, we all shuffled to keep warm on an open
hilltop, the wind kicked up and Matthew’s hair took on the wind
swept look. Standing with his hands dug into his front pockets, he
chatted with his cousin Darren, as he patiently waited to take his
turn abseiling.
Standing,
I listened to the instructor spew out all the rules and regulations
as what to do and what not to do as you abseiled down the sheer rock
face. My heart began to pound in my chest, my palms were clammy and
shaking and a resounding NO echoed through my mind. Looking around at
all the other kids my eyes landed on Matthew, which for some odd
reason added a calmness and butterflies all at the same time which
added to the anxiousness I was already feeling.
From
a safe distance I watched the well tanned, muscular instructor geared
up in his climbing harness, he took the rope in his strong hands and
leaning backwards over the cliff he began to abseil down with ease,
like a leaf gently floating to the ground.
Another
instructor called out, “Okay, who’s first.”
“I’ll
go.” Darren said, as he stepped forward.
I
watched with uncertain eyes as Darren got harnessed up and was
maneuvered to the brink of the cliff. With a slow push back, he
deployed himself over the edge. My head was shaking, there was no way
I could do this and why would I ever want to do something as stupid
as this. A number of negatives ran through my mind – I took another
tentative step forward. A few more of the boys lined up, got togged
out and over the edge they went. My head kept shaking left to right,
right to left and from the corner of my eye, I noticed a number of
the popular girls backing out, was it they were too afraid to take
the plunge, or that they didn’t want to get their perfect hair,
nails and clothes ruined. Glancing down at my clothes, they were not
the best and a far cry from the latest named brands. I sighed.
“Okay
girls, who is going to have a go?” Called out one of the
instructors.
Silence.
“They’re
too chicken.” Yelled one of the boys, while the others; laughed.
Except for Matthew, for some reason he smiled in my direction. I
returned the smile, but wondered why he still hadn’t taken his
turn.
The
instructor asked again, “We don’t have all day now,” he shook
the harness, “are any of you girls going try this?
“I’ll
give it a try.” I stepped out from behind the huddle of popular,
fashion forward girls. However, the closer I walked towards the
instructor my heart felt like it was going to pop right out of my
chest.
“I’m
Stig.”
“Hi.”
I replied.
“Alright,
let’s get you hooked up, shall we.”
Looking
at his face, a wave of concern washed over me, one of his eyes was
not only a different color than his other, but it looked the other
way!
“Um….”
Was all I could muster.
Holding
the harness open for me to step into he said, “No need to worry,
you‘ ll like this.” He said as he double checked the harness and
plopped a helmet on my head. We walked over to the edge of the cliff,
“Okay, how about we step this up and go forwards!”
Whipping
my head, I looked at Stig, “What! Are you crazy?” My blue eyes
searched his.
Nope.”
He said. “Watch me first, then follow. Let’s show those other
girls and boys how brave you really are!”
Me,
brave? Watching him teeter over the edge and run facing forward down
the rock face. I felt sick, my hands were trembling. Everyone cheered
me on, “Go on Helen, you can do it.” However, amongst the cheers
rose a few negative words, loud enough for me to hear, “She’ll
never do it, she’s too chicken.”
I
Leaned forward, my breakfast made unwelcome noises in my churning
stomach, I was sure I was going to throw up. That was when I heard
Matthew’s voice above the others, “You’re safe. Go for it
Helen, you can do it.”
That
was all I needed, the young boy I fancied spoke to me! With the rope
firmly in my sweaty gloved grip, I moved my right foot over the edge,
followed by my left. I said a hurried, “please keep me safe,” and
ran down the jagged rock face. The wind rushed against my face as I
sped up, the rope glided through my gloved hands and I kept my eyes
firmly on Stig; the instructor with one wonky eye! The whole
experience lasted for less than 2 minutes, but to me it felt like
forever. Yet, it was the most exhilarating thing I had ever done so
far in my young life.
“Nicely
done Helen.” said Darren.
Those
words filled my head as Stig unharnessed me. Moving to the side, I
watched as Matthew took his turn, my slight grin gave way to a full
smile as he looked at me the whole time he abseiled forwards down the
rock! From that moment on, we had begun a new friendship.
The
rest of the day was spent trying various assault courses, zip lines,
crawling through muddy rivers which resulted in my friends and I
ending up covered from head to toe in thick stinky mud. During those
hours I’d noticed Matthew frequently peeking in my direction many
times, each time I blushed and shied away from his glances. After a
dinner of burnt sausages, lumpy potatoes, gravy and many a grumbling
word from the other kids, my friends and I trudged our aching limbs
to our dorms and showered. My sister’s spent the next hour
pampering and preening me for the disco, it would take me another
year to master putting on my own make-up on as not to resemble a
clown. I was never one to wear much make-up, so by the time my
sisters had finished, my eyelashes were thick with mascara and my
eyelids a light shade of blue!
80′s
music drifted down the hallways searching out the inhabitants of
perfume and Hairspray filled bedrooms, the bass pounding on our
bedroom door beckoning us to follow. I took one last peek at the
reflection in the mirror, unsure if I liked what I saw, when my best
friend tugged on my sleeve hurrying me along. We ventured out from
the safety of our room and we strolled arm in arm with excitement
down the hallway and into the main hall.
“Wow,
Helen, you rocked it today. I never knew you were so brave.” said
Brent, one of Matthews friends.
Blushing,
I thanked Brent. Again, I was grateful the lights were dimmed,
between the blusher on my cheeks and the redness, flushing my cheeks,
I’m sure I would have resembled a beetroot. Other kids gave
approving nods and smiles, while some gave walloping pats on my back.
You’d think I’d just won a major award or something.
Donning
new shoes with the accompanying sore heels and squished toes didn’t
bother me, my friends and I were dancing and singing our hearts out
to our favorite songs that were thumping and buzzing in our ears. My
innocent glances and smiles towards Matthew while he danced with one
of the popular girls didn’t go unnoticed, he willingly returned
smiles making my young heart flutter. The DJ changed the record,
people mingled and chatted excitedly about their day as they waited
for the next song to play. The popular girls hovering around the
mirror checking their make up, some pointing and giggling at the
other girls who didn’t quite meet up to their fashion standards. I,
on the other hand, patiently stood against the stone fireplace as I
waited for my friends to come back from the bathroom. Standing like
an awkward wallflower, I tried to avoid the pointing fingers from
those girls.
The
first bars of Red Red Wine, by UB40 started to play and everyone
started smiling and singing with excitement, it must have been one of
their favorite songs. Yet, no-one danced. It was like they were
afraid the dance floor would swallow them up or something. Then a boy
a couple of years older than me, strolled over to my sister and asked
her to dance. That was all it took, all the other boys came buzzing
around the girls like they were flowers asking them to dance. Looking
around, I must have been invisible or something; as I was not being
asked to dance. Apprehensiveness wriggled its way into my thoughts, I
turned to look down the hallway and started to wonder what was
keeping my friends so long. Then came a gentle tap on my shoulder.
“Helen.
Can I have this dance?”
My
stomach did a flip. Balling my fists, I tried to stop them from
shaking, turning around smiling I said, “Hi Matthew.”
Matthew
smiled back, “Do you want to dance?” He asked as he held out his
hand, convinced I’d say yes.
Who
in their right mind wouldn’t say yes to a boy they had a crush on,
“Yes, I’d like that.” I said as I released my fist, quickly
wiped my clammy hand on my skirt as I lifted and held it out.
Taking
my hand in his Matthew led me to the dance floor. Standing an arm’s
length away, he danced and boy, could he dance. I began to sway side
to side moving my arms to the beat of the music, a felt a little
nervous and prayed I didn’t look like a gangly freckled kid with no
rhythm, which was how was feeling like inside.
Matthew
leaned forward and said, “This is one of my favorite bands. Do you
like UB40?”
Smiling,
I said, “Yes, I like this song.”
This
was new territory for me, boys actually talking to me. That was when
my shyness kicked in, my hands began to tremble and my mouth felt dry
and rough like sandpaper. The song ended and another started; New
Song; by Howard Jones. This was my favorite song at the time,
smiling, I thanked Matthew for the dance. I swiveled on my heels and
started to walk away, but Matthew caught my hand and asked, “Dance
with me again?”
My
heart was persistently melting, turning I faced Matthew, not only did
his mouth smile, but his eyes were smiling too. Inside I was jumping
up and down, I said, “Yes, I’ll dance with you again.”
Dancing,
talking and laughing for six songs straight, I was finally relaxing
and enjoying my time with Matthew, until his cousin Darren came up to
us and said, “I think you need to let some of us other boys dance
with Helen.”
My
smile couldn’t get any larger, Matthew made a face and reluctantly
allowed his cousin to dance with me. For the following hour, I danced
with all the boys who asked. I was aware of Matthew’s eyes on me
for the whole time, which made me feel for once that I was
appreciated by other boys, other than my dad or uncles.
The
disco drew to an unwanted end, disappointment filled my thoughts. I
didn’t get to dance with Matthew again or that I didn’t get to
say Goodnight. My friends and I took off our shoes and slowly walked
back to our room giggling at how we’d finally been asked to dance
by the Merthyr boys. Not wanting to let the thrill of the night come
to a complete end, we made a detour and meandered outside. We’d
made it half way across the mid section of grass when from behind us,
we heard a deep voice call out.
“Girls!
What are you doing out here. You should be in your room?”
We
all froze in place and turning around slowly we were expecting to see
one of the adult leaders, but to our surprise it wasn’t. It was
Darren and Matthew and I let out the biggest sigh of relief.
Lisa
blurted out, “We were too hot, so we decided to go for a walk to
cool down.”
Suppressing
a giggle, I rolled my eyes, thanking the heavens it was dark outside
and no-one could see me blush yet again.
Matthew
said, “Well, do you all want to come back to our room and hang
out.”
Glances
of should we, shouldn’t we, crossed not only my face but of my
friends also. Our smiles were followed by an assertive, Yes!
Following the boys to their room, like sheep following a shepherd,
that was how we looked. For the next couple of hours we spent,
chatting, laughing and reliving the day’s events, including me
being the only girl to abseil forwards. Then sleepiness crept in and
I began to yawn.
Matthew
got up from his bed and said, “How about we walk you back to your
room.”
Mid
yawn, I said, “Huh? Oh, no, it’s alright, it’s just across the
way.” Scooting to the edge of the bed, I stood up, followed by Lisa
and Tracy, but so did Darren, Brent and Matthew.
“We’ll
walk you back.” Answered Brent, as a cheeky grin crossed his face.
A
natural pairing occurred as we ambled across the carpet of grass,
Tracy – Darren, Lisa – Brent, Matthew and me. Approaching the
entrance to our dorm, everyone walked inside except for Matthew, he
reached for my hand and gestured with his head said, “Let’s walk
a little longer.”
The
night air had a crispness to it, I began to shiver. Taking off his
jacket Matthew draped it over my shoulders and said, “You were
brave today Helen.”
There
is something quite beautiful when a boy you like says your name and
for me a shy girl with no life experience; it felt wondrous. We
carried on walking, holding each others hands when Matthew stopped
and giving a light squeeze of my hand. I turned to face Matthew, my
breathing in and exhaling out increased and it must of looked like
I’d become a cold cloud breathing dragon.
Taking
a step toward me, he raised my chin, while his other hand still held
my hand. His eyes staring into mine, my eyelashes fluttering, I
lowered my gaze as my face flushed.
“I’ve
been wanting to do this all day.” He leaned in, slightly bent his
head and gently pressed his lips to mine.
I'd
heard how to kiss from my sisters and friends, but now the time had
come I was unsure I knew what to do. My nervous lips welcomed
Matthews and as he parted his lips on mine, I followed suit. I didn’t
know if I was doing it right, it wasn’t like I’d done this
before. Matthew’s hand moved from my chin and caressed my neck,
drawing me closer as he deepened the kiss. It sent shivers down my
back, butterflies in my stomach and the feeling that I could float
away on a billowy white cloud.
Just
as gently as he’d started, Matthew drifted away from my slightly
parted lips. Nothing more was spoken between us as we walked back to
my room, content with his arms wrapping around my waist and mine
around his. I no longer felt the cold, just heat radiating from
Matthew and the warmth of his lips still lingered on mine. Reaching
my door all too soon, we stood facing each other, my lips still
tingled, red and plump from kissing him. Smiling at his brown kind
eyes, I blushed.
“You
are pretty Helen.” He gave me hug, “Goodnight and sweet dreams.”
And with a quick kiss on my lips, he smiled and walked away. Leaving
me standing there with his jacket still around my shoulders and a
memory that embedded deep in my young soul.
I
opened the bedroom door and was faced with my friends’ eyebrows
raised and big smiles spread across their faces. That night, I slept
with his jacket next to me and I dreamed of Matthew; his kindness,
his sweet kiss and how he had awakened new and strange but amazing
feelings deep within my core.
Matthew
was my first kiss and he’d set my world ablaze with new emotions and saying goodbye
the next day was hard. We lived forty five minutes away from each
other, however, our friendship didn't end that day. We continued to 'date' albeit not actual dating but young kids who had crushes on each other. Every chance I traveled to his town and we hung
out, grew closer as friends, and spent plenty of times working on my
kissing technique. Over the years, we both married, I moved to the
states and whenever I travel home to Wales and get the chance get to
see Matthew, we always make time to chat and when it’s time to say
goodbye, we do, with a hug and smiles. I will always remember that
wonderful time in my life when Matthew cheered me on, when we danced
to a number of songs that hold a special place in my heart to this
day. How, after a while he made me feel at ease, making my shyness
abate, how we talked, laughed and the tenderness he showed me when we
kissed under a dark velvet September sky.
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